By Matthew Bramlett |Managing Editor|
To borrow an insufferable cliche, it’s that time of year again. Hollywood Boulevard is cleansed of its homeless dregs and unhinged superhero impersonators so perfect people who have not eaten in 48 hours can walk slowly down a carpet and flash their finest fake smiles. The Academy Awards are here, and it marks the 85th time in film history that the ancient Knights Templar, who have been kept alive by the purity of Oscar gold for 700 years, emerge from their cavernous prison to present the immaculate golden statues to Daniel Day-Lewis and Jennifer Lawrence (spoiler alert!).
Already, the red carpet has produced some eye-opening scenes. Anne Hathaway, certain to feign surprise when she eventually wins Best Supporting Actress for “Princess Diaries 3: Les Miserables,” tried to act cool and hip in front of Ryan Seacrest by trying to namedrop Cards Against Humanity but saying “Crimes against humanity” instead (Which is appropriate, given many of my friends’ feelings toward her). Australian actress Jacki Weaver, nominated for her role in “Silver Linings Playbook,” is the living embodiment of Ursula from “The Little Mermaid.” Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a dress that beautifully accentuates her immaculate tan lines. Hugh Jackman’s beard looks like a German dominatrix on her day off. Jennifer Aniston somehow snuck her way onto the red carpet, but the Academy security guards, who are obviously feeling sorry for her, let her walk it anyway. Compared to elven host Kristin Chenoweth, Adele looks like two children stacked on top of each other in a large blue dress.
Comedy genius Seth McFarlane (The Cleveland Show) is hosting, which means the entire broadcast is going to be full of vague pop culture references and dick jokes. Will he incorporate the Stewie voice in his opening number? Will Jennifer Lawrence cement her status as every twenty-something’s crush with The World’s Snarkiest Acceptance Speech? Will Emmanuelle Riva die mid-show? How many “30 Rock” references will Anne Hathaway force on us during her acceptance speech? Let’s find out.
5:25 I just want to start this liveblog off by saying that Queen Latifah is a national treasure and she should win all the awards, even the technical ones.
5:30 I am so disappointed in Seth MacFarlane for not starting with a musical number. This is like an opening for a third-rate late night variety show.
5:36 Wait, there it is. It’s about titties. Wonderful.
5:40 Who else thinks that Channing Tatum learned all his dance moves when he was a male stripper in the ’90s? Oh, everyone? Okay.
5:45 Jennifer Lawrence’s fist-pump during Seth MacFarlane’s opening number will probably be the best moment tonight.
5:48 Octavia Spencer! She has done SO much since her Oscar win last year.
5:50 Christoph Waltz wins his second Oscar, proving that Hollywood loves creepy Germans.
5:51 Quentin Tarantino’s tie isn’t done correctly like, “So the fuck what I don’t care about no damn Oscars.” SO EDGY.
5:58 Well well well nice of Disney to put all their employees in a super exclusive box in the front corner. That mouse money sure goes far.
5:59 “I just happened to be wearing the kilt, I didn’t plan any of this.” BULLSHIT, YOU DIRECTED “BRAVE.”
6:04 Scratch that, Quvenzhane Wallis’ fist pump is the best moment of the night.
6:07 The crazy old witch that lives in the haunted house down your street just won the Oscar for Best Cinematography.
6:08 Or maybe that’s your lesbian Intro to Literature professor.
6:11 “Life of Pi” just won the award for Best Green Screen.
6:12 Holy shit, I have to say that the “Jaws” theme is the PERFECT song for overlong speeches.
6:17 Well, this is the only time “Anna Karenina” will be mentioned tonight, so soak it in, Tolstoy fans!
6:19 “Hitchcock” was one of those films that was SUPPOSED to get all these Oscar nominations, but fizzled out when everyone realized that it kind of sucked. Also, “The Hobbit.”
6:22 “Hey ‘Skyfall,’ sorry you didn’t get nomiated for any of the big awards. Here’s a Bond montage. Happy now?”
6:27 OKAY OKAY, Shirley Bassey’s performance is the best moment of the night.
6:37 Nobody is impressed by the homeless woman onstage. “Home…less?” wonders Brad Pitt.
6:43 “FUCK YOU SETH MACFARLANE” -Ben Affleck
6:48 Kind of wishing there was a live feed of the audience during the show. I want to see embarrassed laughs and eyerolls during the “Jaws” playing off music.
6:50 “Amour” wins the prestigious award for Bleakest Film.
6:51 IS THAT MICHAEL HANEKE OR DARTH SIDIOUS???
6:52 Why is John Travolta here? The Hollywood Spa is a few blocks away on Ivar.
6:56 I’m just happy Catherine Zeta-Jones is allowed in the building. Those meds must have worked wonders!
7:00 Jennifer Hudson just made me believe in God again.
7:03 Everything about that “Les Miserables’ performance was good until Russell Crowe stepped up and sang like a lawnmower.
7:10 “I made ‘Ted’.” said Seth MacFarlane. “WOO!!” said one guy.
7:16 An unprecedented tie for Best Sound Editing, and it goes to the same Weird Guy With Long Blonde Hair.
7:19 IT IS A GREAT NIGHT FOR BLONDE METALHEADS.
7:19 “Well, that’s THAT joke.” I think Seth KNOWS he sucks.
7:23 You don’t look up to Jacki Weaver, Anne. You just found out who she was two weeks ago.
7:25 A SURPRISING LACK OF “30 ROCK” REFERENCES IN ANNE HATHAWAY’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH.
7:37 A surprising amount of my Facebook friends are gunning for “Les Miserables” to win Best Picture. I so badly want to be in the room when it eventually goes to “Argo.”
7:38 Adele is bored as shit on that stage and it was still pretty good.
7:42 This gif of Sandra Bullock opening an envelope looks like the real Sandra is trying in vain to emerge from under all that plastic. Or maybe she’s having a stroke.
7:49 Pretty sure I saw several track marks on Kristen Stewart’s arms. It’s like she doesn’t even try to hide them anymore!
8:04 BARBRA STREISAND’S NOSE SANG BEAUTIFULLY TONIGHT.
8:08 Hooray for Renee Zellweger having something to do on a Sunday night!
8:10 AND QUEEN LATIFAH SLIDES IN TO STEAL RENEE’S OSCAR MOMENT. LOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL BITCH.
8:16 Adele just keeps on winning awards. It’s like she wakes up in the morning and someone randomly gives her twelve VMAs and seven Grammys.
8:23 I think putting Dustin Hoffman next to the amazonian Charlize Theron is a subtle “Fuck you” to Dustin Hoffman.
8:26 YAY MORE OF QUENTIN’S UNKEMPT TIE
8:34 Ang Lee wins Best Direction of a Green Screen.
8:40 JEAN DUJARDIN PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME THANK YOU.
8:44 Jennifer Lawrence wins and calls out everyone for laughing and clapping when she tripped over her dress.
8:48 “And the Oscar goes to Daniel Day-Lewis,” Meryl Streep says like it’s not even a big deal. I don’t think she even read the envelope.
8:49 Water is wet. The sky is blue. Daniel Day-Lewis is an Oscar winner.
8:52 “Oh God…” my mom says when Michelle Obama is introduced.
8:56 “GODDAMN IT” say all my Les Miz fanboy friends. Presumably.
8:58 I think Ben Affleck is a genuinely nice guy. Glad the Academy felt bad for “Gigli”
9:02 Well, we’re done. Here’s a gif of Joaquin Phoenix personifying what many people think about tonight: