By Matthew Bramlett |Managing Editor|
Once a year, 0.067 percent of the music world comes together to wear bizarre clothing and give each other blowjobs in the form of golden statues. Yes, the Gramophones are upon us once again, and the entire world is obviously super excited to the point of tears. Did you hear me? SUPER DUPER EXCITED OKAY.
This year, the Gramophones are being hosted by
Christopher Dorner LL Cool J. Some nominees of the Gramophones include Francis Oceans, The Funs, Goat Yeh, and much, much more.
Meanwhile, while the ACTUAL GRAMOPHONES were happening on the superior east coast, Justin Bieber was trying desperately to deflect attention from a party he wasn’t invited to by threatening to unleash a new song on the populace. After Livestream AND Ustream denied him the opportunity, he posted a shirtless picture of himself on Instagram out of pure feminine frustration. Poor Justin.
And now, without further adieu, here are the Grammys that already happened three hours ago!
– Taylor Swift opened the show in a bizarre Alice in Wonderland-meets-sketchy fetish club outfit. The dancer strapped to the giant spiral machine is obviously a wealthy Wall Street power player who paid Taylor $27,000 to beat the shit out of him. This performance is everyone’s deepest, darkest nightmares come to life.
– “That is the weirdest looking man.” -My mother on Justin Timberlake.
– I’m sure Elton John was absolutely thrilled to perform on stage with one of the most popular twinks in music today. I was waiting for the camera to pan to a scowling David Furnish.
– Last Wednesday I saw a drag king do a Pitbull impression. He looked more like Pitbull than the real Pitbull.
– ADELE WINS ANOTHER AWARD. THE WORLD IS STUNNED. Her acceptance speech lasts ten seconds. She clearly doesn’t give a shit.
– “Ladies and gentlemen, this. is. fun.” says Neil Patrick Harris. UHH I DISAGREE.
– The singer for fun. has some sick capri pants. Kinda shocked he didn’t compliment them with an equally sick denim backpack purse.
– John Mayer obviously got his blue velvet suit from the finest Goodwill in Hollywood.
– Miranda Lambert looks like every blonde girl in high school who loved horses WAY too much and always got nervous around your black friend. Also her dad is a cop.
– One of my favorite things to do while watching music award shows is to see how well a performer is fake-playing his or her instrument. Right now I’m giving Dierks Bentley a B+
– Judging solely by their jackets, this Miguel/Wiz Khalifa performance is obviously a tribute to Beetlejuice. I hope everyone at home realizes this.
– CARRIE UNDERWOOD WINS ANOTHER AWARD. THE WORLD IS STUNNED.
– Apparently LL just discovered what Twitter is. He is incredibly excited about it, bless his heart.
– WHY IS LENA DUNHAM AT THE GRAMMYS? SHE DOES NOT BELONG HERE.
– Jay-Z just screamed “YOU’RE WELCOME!!” at fun. while they were accepting their award for song of the year. Either that, or “SWALLOW CUM.” I’m bad at lip reading.
– I heard that if you play every Mumford and Sons song at the same time, it will sound like a Mumford and Sons song. Because they all sound exactly the same. That’s the joke.
– Really cool to see Ellen present a performance with
Jesus Christ Beyonce.
– TELEPROMPTER PROBLEMS. When I see a celebrity struggle with prompter issues it only strengthens my theory that they actually don’t know how to talk on their own.
– Wait, did the ENTIRE THEATER become Instagrammed just for Justin’s performance?? This is definitely a combination of Hudson and Sutro.
– Also, “Suit & Tie” is one of my favorite songs off of FutureSex/LoveSounds
– Here’s a hilarious timeline of Justin Bieber trying desperately to deflect attention from the Grammys and failing:
– Frank Ocean wins best “Urban Contemporary” album over Chris Brown. Brown plots his next attack and tasks his crew to scope out appropriate parking lots in which to strike.
– Hopefully that dose of sepia unleashed on the audience during JT’s performance isn’t lethal. This could be the new Legionnaire’s Disease.
– Every time I see Pauley Perrette I am reminded of how much Julie Klausner hates her.
– Also, she’s a coke addict.
– My life-long dream is to be granted the privilege to enter LL Cool J’s Driving Cap Sanctuary. I am positive it is beautiful and life-changing.
– Check out Alicia Keys on percussion! Hey Alicia, Sheila E. did it first, and better.
– “Thank you so much. Thank you.” Alicia Keys mumbles to the audience with pure hatred and contempt.
– INEXPLICABLE STANDING OVATION FOR KELLY CLARKSON. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. IS SHE DYING SOON???
– “Miguel, I don’t know who the hell you are.” Kelly Clarkson, speaking on behalf of White America.
– “HEY YO I’M HASHTAG LL COOL J AND HASHTAG WELCOME TO THE HASHTAG GRAMMYS. HASHTAG.”
– Every time I think of Rhianna, I think of Barbados, which makes me think of this scene:
– I don’t understand why the camera always pans to Chris Brown after Rhianna does anything. Are they trying to catch him nefariously wringing his hands while in the middle of hatching a supervillain-esque master plan?
– JAY-Z WINS ANOTHER AWARD. THE WORLD IS STUNNED.
– Jay-Z uses his time on stage to throw mad shade at his co-performer’s fashion decisions. Oh Jay, you’re soOoOoOoO bitchy I love it!!
– I have so much respect for Jay-Z right now because it’s obvious he thinks this show is a joke and he’s just fucking with everyone.
– As an added bonus, here’s a gif of Beyonce, Jay and Solange pretending to care about the Grammys (image courtesy of Gawker):
– As another added bonus, here’s a gif (courtesy of Gawker) of Jay-Z yelling obscenities at fun. Is he yelling “YOU’RE WELCOME!” or “SWALLOW CUM!!” You decide:
– With “Jack the Giant Slayer” and “Oz: The Great and Powerful,” 2013 is set to be a massively shitty year for fantasy films.
– Meanwhile in Bieberville, Justin is having such a hard time figuring out how the internet works. HE IS SO SHIRTLESSLY MAD, YOU GUYS:
– “It’s okay baby” says Justin’s close personal friend Dopebieber.
– Currently wondering if that locket around Bruno Mars’ neck is full of cocaine. Actually, I’m currently wondering if everyone here is on cocaine.
– I loved that part during Sting’s performance where he was all, “DOOBABABABODOBUHHAPABAPPO.” So inspiring!
– Bob Marley – hero to suburban white teenage potheads everywhere.
– I love how weak The Lumineers said, “Come on Staples Center!” Try harder, this will be the only time anyone cares about you!
– DESPERATELY WANTING JACK WHITE AND HIS SINGING TAMBOURINE-PLAYING PARTNER TO KISS.
– Somehow, destroying a guitar after a performance is not as powerful if you’re a multi-millionaire like Jack White.
– BREAKING NEWS: LEAD SINGER OF FUN. PISSES HIMSELF ONSTAGE. CROWD REACTS WITH STANDING OVATION.
– “Oh great, another fucking twink.” -Me loudly reacting to Hunter Hayes.
– First impression of Carrie’s tele-dress: “Oh shit her nuclear core is overheating.”
– Gotye wins “Record of the Year” for a song that everyone got sick of in 2007.
– “Best Grammys ever,” Justin Timberlake lies. What a horrible liar you are, Justin.
– The only person I care about during this “Musicians who left us” montage is Donald “Duck” Dunn.
– “Sure, we’re having fun here at this award show, but REMEMBER ALL THOSE KINDERGARTENERS WHO DIED??” -Elton John.
– Me: “I really don’t like all these Chris Brown reaction shots.” Jon: “Don’t worry, they’re just keeping an eye on him.” Me: “Just in case he gets a lil’ punchy.”
– The “NCIS” logo just flashed on the screen when LL said, “Most watched shows.” during a CBS commercial. By octogenarians and cat ladies, maybe!
– “Juanes, I don’t know who the hell you are.” -Kelly Clarkson.
– Juanes just introduced Frank Ocean as a “Grammy wiener.” Accent or Freudian slip?
– Mumford and Sons win “Album of the Year.” The entire theater has been transformed into a scummy turn-of-the-century New York tenement building. Taylor Swift now works at a poorly-ventilated Triangle Shirtwaist Factory and Frank Ocean is dead from dysentery.
– Pretty cool of LL to let us all know that he’s still a hard-ass rapper and not a mainstream corporate shill.
– OH NEVERMIND. THEY CUT OFF HIS SONG TO PLUG DELTA AIRLINES.
Aaaaaaand we’re done. Without a doubt, this year’s Gramophones was definitely a show that existed at some point. After three and a half merciless hours, I’m finally free. In closing, here’s a gif of Taylor Swift acting white as hell: