I don’t know you. Why would I tell you how I’m feeling?
All you’re going to do is just give me all these different types of medications that make me feel unusual. I already feel that way, so why do you want to zombify me? Why do you give me this medicine with all these different types of chemicals and side effects that make me not give a f— about how I’m feeling? Why do you ask me things that you’ve never been through? You don’t know what my thoughts are. If I take this pill, will it take those thoughts away, or will it keep me from actually figuring out the deep–rooted seed that started this all?
Psychiatrist: tell me how you feel.
Me: I feel on edge. I feel deep fear for no reason. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t focus. I worry too much.
Psychiatrist: I’m going to prescribe you X and Y. Start taking this. It won’t go into effect for two weeks. Then come back and see me in one month.
Me: Okay.
I take the pill.
This isn’t normal. I want to sleep during the day. My throat feels swollen. My thoughts are frozen. I’m scared for some reason. I have this restless feeling. But even though I’m feeling all this, I don’t care that I feel it. Luckily, I realize this s— is weird. So I stop taking it. I miss the appointment with my doctor. At this point, I don’t trust them. They’re just going to give me a different type of medication. This is the seventh medication I have taken since 2012.
I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m a weirdo, and I don’t want people to know that I am. I have dark thoughts too. I don’t want them to know that either. Why is she looking at me like that? Is something on my face? Is there a fly in my hair? This person started talking to me. Should I be myself, or should I pretend to be something I’m not? Oh man my head hurts. What if I have a brain tumor and I don’t have insurance? My eye is in pain. What if I go blind? I’m freaking out. I feel like everyone is watching me. All these people are all talking all at once. It’s making me anxious. I just need to go to my car and sit there with my thoughts.
I’m back at my home. I don’t want to be there. My niece and nephew fight, argue and cry too much. It’s too loud. I can’t take it. I’m going to Coffee Bean. I’m alone now with my laptop and headphones. It’s time to make music. And turn off my phone, but I can’t because I want to see what is going on in other people’s lives. Let me just go into Instagram and scroll through the feed. Oh, looks like this person has a great life. Now I’m even more depressed.
Iv’e been trying to hide from others and keep things to myself. I have been isolating myself for way too long. It has been eating me up inside out. My mind, health, and body have been killing me.
I have made the decision to find a support group and a system that works best for me. If you have anxiety or depression, make sure to talk to someone and get the help you need. Although many people may not want to talk about anxiety and depression, some people do care. There is always someone out there that will go the extra step to help you. Don’t forget to love yourself and know that you will be okay. You’re not crazy.
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